So here is my true confession. My struggle as a pastor is the motive of my heart. I have three equal parts of truest desire that live in my soul.
- My desire to honor God and live out of the truest and purest call to the mission of Christ.
- The desire to build his church calling people to real life in Jesus and watching it grow into a movement of intense love and grace in the community.
- My desire to feel valuable, important, needed, and indispensable.
I don't always get it right. I find that I want to live a life of sacrifice and lay myself on the alter of Christ. However, that third deep desire at times leads rather than falling into line. When it leads I find people become less the priority, I become more short term rather than long term focused, I feel more empty and less alive.
What if life was more about living out of the first two motives and allowing God to satisfy the last? Is this as tough for you as it is for me?
I think this has to be tough for almost anyone walking in a relationship with Christ. For example, my three would look like this: 1. Honor God by living out the call he has placed on my life, which is to teach and lead. 2. Build a community of trust and honesty where it's OK to be completely broken and shattered before God and others 3. My need to have things "perfect" and fixed in a certain way; I need control.
ReplyDeleteThe last one completely contradicts the first 2 because God has not called me to be a "perfect" leader or teacher; nor has he called me to build a community that "fixes" people when they're broken. It's a constant battle between heart and flesh.
God has not called me to "fix" the students I work with, he has called me to teach them, love them unconditionally, and be a light in their lives. So, in order for that to happen, I must constantly be identifying my desires and taking them to Jesus.
I learned very quickly that the need to fix everything is linked to the feeling that I need to be in control in order for there to be security and sanity... If that's not a lie from the pit of hell I'm not sure what is. Every time I walk into a classroom or meet a parent, or even see a kid on the street that I want to "save," there's a gentle kick in the face from God as he says "I'm in control, just trust me." He's already won the battle between my heart and flesh, so I'm still not sure why I find myself trying to fight it...
In order for me to live out the first two desires of my heart I've gotta let go of the 1st desire of my flesh...